In the age of sharing everything, of revoking the privacy of a few thoughts and pertinent, personal details for the ability to access a fun game or interesting comment forum, the specialness of keeping a secret has increased exponentially. The things I keep secret are of paramount importance to me. And I'm not talking about my social security number; I've rattled off that or a credit card number into a cell phone on a public street more times than I care to admit. I'm talking about the real secrets — those that are the thread that binds the pieces of your true self together.
Enter my apartment and they are everywhere: privy only to those I trust and love deeply enough to invite into my personal haven. You will see, if you look close enough, the battered old copy of "Heidi" atop my bookshelf, with no page regarding the Library of Congress or copyright, only an inscription— "To Karol, with love, Christmas 1954". You will see a little Post-It that simply reads, "Buenos noches mija". But will you know the secrets of these tantalizing pieces of my life? If you ask, yes you will. And they might just reveal to you a special part of me you never knew before.
Secrets only grow when held inside. With the increase of space they take in your heart, their magic grows too, whispering things only you have heard while you drift off to sleep. Things spoken to you in the intimacy of an intense moment, true secrets or profound revalations of love or regret — these are the stuff of all that is True.
He grabs my hand while we lie on top of covers together. Facing away, he pulls my arm around him and tells me secret truths of a past so powerful, it makes me secretly weep for the boy that suffered, that built the man whose heart I now feel beating next to mine — through his ribcage, spine, two layers of clothing and the lips I am now pressing on the back of his neck, as I say… I understand. And I love you for all that you are, and have been — I love you truly for all of this. I am so grateful I am one who is honored to hear these quiet truths.
She sits next to me and the words spill out. They tumble out, haphazard, with no regard for conjunctions or space or time. I refrain from helping her fill out her sentences, because she needs to do so herself so desperately. As if to survive the overwhelming weight of their being unspoken within her. They pour forth, these pieces of her day or life, past or future, life or death. And I listen, and when she manages to reach my eyes with hers, I am sure to project nothing but the utmost love, acceptance and true, deep friendship. These words will never be spoken again. The conversation will never, probably, be referred to at a later date. But on that night, on the old wooden boards of that front porch, we hug each other sideways until she leans into me, confident now that her weakness in the moment is wholly swaddled within my strength for her, my best friend.
And no one else will ever know.
Secrets are some of the most important things we will encounter in this life. Secrets are what drive us to accomplish all we do, and all we seek to understand, in this life. God, for example, is the ultimate secret. Where does he, she, they, lie? What are the thoughts and motivations that may or may not ruminate in such a deity? What are those damn secrets?
Or that one secret — oh, growing up! — when those feelings start to surface, physical and emotional, and the loaded three-letter word that is Sex begins to have a presence in your mind. And then you get there, and it only presents a larger, more phenomenal secret… that of the orgasm. That simple, driving force that has tumbled empires and created lives, taken them and altogether changed the world — what is that?? Oh, growing up! When you finally discover that hidden moment of divinity between your legs. That force within you that makes you a god, that literally has the ability to create life. Yet at the same time, seems to control you completely from the outside, as if, at times, you were only a pawn!
Secrets and more secrets and more secrets… And remember: The ones you tell may be held in memory that appears more clear; but beware, this clarity is a ruse that your present mind paints to make order of the chaos of a truly magical moment. Magic is inherently chaotic — hold it in, I say! Hold that moment, that piece of joy when you shared a secret smile with a stranger, the regret of that kiss you never got to repeat, that beautiful poem you wrote and accidentally left at the restaurant table… or found on that restaurant table. Secrets are for keeping, because their power can never be harnessed, can never be duplicated or restored once altered.
The best secrets are eternal. They live long past the passing of their holders, and like energy, can neither be created nor destroyed. They simply are. And if you are lucky enough to find yourself in the overwhelming, drenching joy of a truly wonderful, or profound, or difficult or devastating secret, then guard it with your life. Take it with you every day in your heart, and understand its importance.
We are powerful beings, if only for our ability to understand the value of the secrets we possess.
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